That Nadir Moment

I am a victim of my own decisions. I often find that when I hit a nadir moment it is the hardest of experiences for me. The reason for this is that the external world can only play a portion of the role, the deepest holes I have been in were ones dug by myself. Poor choices seem more logical under pressure. Perhaps the reason for this is that I am running and looking for any way out, so an open door is an open door. Too metaphorical? Let me say it another way, often my deepest darkest moments I find myself looking for relief, a way to solve my problems or to escape them. So during these times I fall back onto attitudes that I am sure I developed as a teenager. I know they come from the age old ‘fight or flight’ mentality, but each person manifests differently. I am an avoider of conflict and will try to avoid at all costs, but not when the fight seems just. I have my own understanding of a just fight, as many people do, and will expel an awful lot of energy into one if it detracts from my own battles I cannot get under control (avoidance through misdirection). Yet I am conscious that I simply cannot survive fighting battles on every front and inevitable look for escapisms (avoidance plain and simple). The escapisms are my biggest downfall as they provide a temporary solution for feeling so bad. Feeling bad is at the heart of it. The problems are one thing but the inner battle to control the false self slowly tears at the fabric of my self-esteem. Avoidance truly is temporary and eventually leads me to neglect the rest of my life. By this stage I have now let others down as a result and I am back to the subtle voice inside that tells me, “See, you are always like this. I knew you would fail. I knew you could not do this...” That false self that kicks me when I am down and leaves me seeing no way out. I always start by asking God to forgive me, for failing my friends, for failing my responsibilities, for running from Him instead of too him...but there is another voice that questions me back saying, ‘But how do you first forgive yourself?’ A question I would certainly be able to answer if I knew everything was going to be OK and everyone else was going to forgive me. This is not the point. The point is that I must first forgive and accept me as I am in the brokenness of my person first. I think there is little doubt as to why my favourite scripture is Genesis 41:9 where the Chief Cupbearer says to Pharaoh, “Today I am reminded of my shortcomings...” A profound statement that keeps me in touch with the frailty of my nature. How we perform under pressure is such a litmus test of other people’s expectations as well as our own. People are empathetic towards tough circumstances but very unforgiving for dumb choices. How much harder is it to forgive yourself when others will not forgive you? It is these reminders of my own frailty that inspire me to remember others, and hopefully leave open the door to restoration of relationship and self-esteem. I must make the solemn vow to always care how I am doing and challenge which small voice I am listening to, as a precaution. But far more powerful is the accepting of myself and loving myself in the moment of my brokenness. Knowing that I am still in God’s grace and love and nothing else matters. To finish with Thomas Wayne’s words to Bruce, “Why do we fall Bruce? To remind ourselves how to get back up.”

good bye captain

It was hard to lose my father at the start of the year. Despite the lose I suffered there was some comfort in knowing he was on the path to eternity as it hastened my need to thank him and talk to him about his role in my life. There was a sense of closure in what was said; even if the reality did not live up to the expectation of the “talk” I was glad to have had it.

I suppose it was that sense of closure that I missed when my friend passed away some months ago. I have not written in the blog since it happened as it became easier to fall into the frantic nature of life rather than really face a closure I will never have. It had been a year since I spoke to him so it seemed odd to me that I felt so profoundly affected. I grew up with him and had the pleasure of knowing him as a friend from church and eventually a fellow youth worker at YFC. I suppose my initial shock came from having to find out on Facebook. I cannot yet explain why it has bothered me so, only to say that I never really got the chance to have that same closure I experienced with my father. I also suspect that dealing with my roommate who lost his brother two days later to tragic circumstance meant I could not talk to anyone at home about it as I did not want to compound my loss onto his.

I still want to say what I should have said to him, obviously not for his sake, but for mine. If I could have had the chance it would have been my privilege to thank him for his friendship. The fact the even after time apart when we spoke it would be as if there had been no time lost at all. His faithfulness to God and service to others was simply inspirational. I had often hoped that my own faith could brighten the lives of others as his did. I always remember how he kept a simply balance between faith, maturity and youthfulness. I am today a better man for having known him.