That Nadir Moment

I am a victim of my own decisions. I often find that when I hit a nadir moment it is the hardest of experiences for me. The reason for this is that the external world can only play a portion of the role, the deepest holes I have been in were ones dug by myself. Poor choices seem more logical under pressure. Perhaps the reason for this is that I am running and looking for any way out, so an open door is an open door. Too metaphorical? Let me say it another way, often my deepest darkest moments I find myself looking for relief, a way to solve my problems or to escape them. So during these times I fall back onto attitudes that I am sure I developed as a teenager. I know they come from the age old ‘fight or flight’ mentality, but each person manifests differently. I am an avoider of conflict and will try to avoid at all costs, but not when the fight seems just. I have my own understanding of a just fight, as many people do, and will expel an awful lot of energy into one if it detracts from my own battles I cannot get under control (avoidance through misdirection). Yet I am conscious that I simply cannot survive fighting battles on every front and inevitable look for escapisms (avoidance plain and simple). The escapisms are my biggest downfall as they provide a temporary solution for feeling so bad. Feeling bad is at the heart of it. The problems are one thing but the inner battle to control the false self slowly tears at the fabric of my self-esteem. Avoidance truly is temporary and eventually leads me to neglect the rest of my life. By this stage I have now let others down as a result and I am back to the subtle voice inside that tells me, “See, you are always like this. I knew you would fail. I knew you could not do this...” That false self that kicks me when I am down and leaves me seeing no way out. I always start by asking God to forgive me, for failing my friends, for failing my responsibilities, for running from Him instead of too him...but there is another voice that questions me back saying, ‘But how do you first forgive yourself?’ A question I would certainly be able to answer if I knew everything was going to be OK and everyone else was going to forgive me. This is not the point. The point is that I must first forgive and accept me as I am in the brokenness of my person first. I think there is little doubt as to why my favourite scripture is Genesis 41:9 where the Chief Cupbearer says to Pharaoh, “Today I am reminded of my shortcomings...” A profound statement that keeps me in touch with the frailty of my nature. How we perform under pressure is such a litmus test of other people’s expectations as well as our own. People are empathetic towards tough circumstances but very unforgiving for dumb choices. How much harder is it to forgive yourself when others will not forgive you? It is these reminders of my own frailty that inspire me to remember others, and hopefully leave open the door to restoration of relationship and self-esteem. I must make the solemn vow to always care how I am doing and challenge which small voice I am listening to, as a precaution. But far more powerful is the accepting of myself and loving myself in the moment of my brokenness. Knowing that I am still in God’s grace and love and nothing else matters. To finish with Thomas Wayne’s words to Bruce, “Why do we fall Bruce? To remind ourselves how to get back up.”

good bye captain

It was hard to lose my father at the start of the year. Despite the lose I suffered there was some comfort in knowing he was on the path to eternity as it hastened my need to thank him and talk to him about his role in my life. There was a sense of closure in what was said; even if the reality did not live up to the expectation of the “talk” I was glad to have had it.

I suppose it was that sense of closure that I missed when my friend passed away some months ago. I have not written in the blog since it happened as it became easier to fall into the frantic nature of life rather than really face a closure I will never have. It had been a year since I spoke to him so it seemed odd to me that I felt so profoundly affected. I grew up with him and had the pleasure of knowing him as a friend from church and eventually a fellow youth worker at YFC. I suppose my initial shock came from having to find out on Facebook. I cannot yet explain why it has bothered me so, only to say that I never really got the chance to have that same closure I experienced with my father. I also suspect that dealing with my roommate who lost his brother two days later to tragic circumstance meant I could not talk to anyone at home about it as I did not want to compound my loss onto his.

I still want to say what I should have said to him, obviously not for his sake, but for mine. If I could have had the chance it would have been my privilege to thank him for his friendship. The fact the even after time apart when we spoke it would be as if there had been no time lost at all. His faithfulness to God and service to others was simply inspirational. I had often hoped that my own faith could brighten the lives of others as his did. I always remember how he kept a simply balance between faith, maturity and youthfulness. I am today a better man for having known him.

Feel good in Your Own Skin

I choose not to wait for motivation. It seems when I have heard people speak of not being motivated they are talking about a feeling that will get them doing those things they need to do most. If I was to wait for that feeling constantly I would live on the dole reading comics and playing X-Box. Feelings do not just appear out of nowhere to suddenly inspire me to do work. I think motivation is a state of mind that comes through making good choices and experiencing success. I must chose to do those things I do not want to do.
One of my favourite comic artists and writers, Todd McFarlane, say that one of the keys to his success was never missing a deadline. Deadlines are a good motivator, as it seems easier to find the impetus to work when I have hit my deadline and MUST get it done. As this is something I am doing on my own then I am going to have to be equally as vigilant to meet my self-imposed deadlines. As easy as that sounds I have often found the immediate and urgent drown out the more important. By turning the important into the urgent I find a little more reason to get them done. Some tasks just do not want to be finished. Usual reasons apply: fear of failing, tired, do not want to go through the effort of problem solving... it is an endless list. The other part of this common problem of procrastination comes from the daunting scope of distance that must be covered. It is nothing new to suggest that any journey must be made one step at a time, yet this does little to help the self-esteem which has no trouble blaming you for creating the mess in the first place.
For instance, in our society more than any other, we have a growing problem of obesity. At risk of landing myself on that list I have chosen to change my current situation. As I feel each belt buckle tighten and each shirt magically shrink I am reminded of my failing to exercise more and eat better; most of the time this problem is born out of commitment to other facets of my life. Surely it is justifiable to eat fast food as I am on the run doing important tasks? Perhaps, but then I cannot complain when I give my boss a black eye by shooting a button off my shirt. Unfortunately for me I do not have an active metabolism. No end of sweet talk has managed to get it to work better. I have friends who eat only healthy foods when they have been properly battered and boiled in oil; yet do not attract an ounce of fat. I on the other hand put on weight just watching them eat. I am not alone in this condition. The reality is that I have this body and I must learn to steward it well; but to do that I must be comfortable in my own skin. It is no use to hate my body and then try to punish it with dieting; it will only turn into a feud between my body and my head. No, I must love my body as it is, and accept each and every kilo of it. If I diet it is for my good and exercise is to improve quality of life.
The self esteem I think plays a great role in determining my success from the outset. I will target it and seek to build it up. This means making choices to love myself and accept me as I am in this situation. Do I need to improve? Yes. Does it make me a failure? No. Am I less of a person for being in need of change? Definitely not. Are people better than me for not needing to fix the problems I have created for myself? How absurd. It should be the task of every person to learn how to be good stewards of their lives and reflect on their place in this world. After all, the unexamined life is not worth living. I think someone smart said that.

Values

As promised, I present to you my values. I have spent a long time choosing and refining these. Of course I do not live them out perfectly, that is partly the point. The point is that I want to and will spend the next nine months attempting to live each as best I can and reflecting on them. Such a process is formative and designed to help shape me into someone who lives his values better, test them to find their worth; or perhaps a better way to put it is: 'to put my money where my mouth is.'
VALUES
1. I LIVE BY THE GOLDEN LAW AND RULE AS THE GUIDING PRINICPLES OF MY LIFE
a. Golden Law: Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and strength and love your
neighbour as yourself.
b. Golden Rule: Do to others as you would have others do to you.
2. I AM IN GOOD HEALTH
a. Eat more basic foods
b. Eat less bonus foods
c. Exercise regularly
3. I AM PRUDENT
a. I use practical reason to discern the true good in every circumstance and choose the right
means of achieving it.
b. I seek the right judgement about what must be done.
c. I use inquiry and consider my options and demands of reason.
d. I always seek to recognise the right option.
4. I AM AN AGENT OF JUSTICE
a. I seek to give what is due to God and neighbour.
b. I try to respond to the needs of my personal and social relationships.
c. I hear the cry of the poor and disadvantaged and act upon it.
5. FORTIUDE
a. I seek to be firm in the face of difficulties in pursuing the good
b. I seek to overcome fear and persevere against adversity.
c. I am strong in my resolve and will sacrifice when necessary
d. I will demonstrate calm steadfast and trust in the Lord.
6. TEMPERENCE
a. I seek to be rid of vice, order the attraction to pleasure and use things well.
b. I seek order in my instincts directing them towards what is honourable.
c. I seek to be balanced and moderate.
7. ORDER
a. I seek to order my time each day
b. I seek to have an ordered and manageable budget.
c. I contribute to a tidy environment.
8. COMMITMENT
a. I resolve to perform what I ought; perform without fail what I resolve.
9. HUMILITY
a. I imitate Jesus and Socrates

Time

I have forgotten to grab the USB that has my values on it; so until this evening (perhaps). I have found this process somewhat cathartic, but I often find the beginning is the easiest. Getting started always feels good; having the rigour to maintain is another issue. Developing discipline, as I think that is what I am doing, is a long slow process of boring holes in hard wood. However, it is my intent that I will make a change for the better and I will have those values posted by tonight.
I have decided that while I work each week at my stewardship, each month I will focus on one value and attempt to live it. So this is my task:

I will spend time each week focussing on managing my time, resources and relationships. Each month I will focus on 1 value and attempt to live it to my best ability and record the results.

What I have done today is I have gotten my dairy ready to plan. I will look at the term in advance and work out my meetings. I will spend time this week learning how to synchronize my phone and computer so I can keep appointments and special dates on hand. This will require me to learn how to use my phone. In all honesty I have never been a techno head and using office Word is an achievement in itself. Lame!
I have a list of my tasks and responsibilities and outlined what I must achieve each week to be ‘on top of things’ for school at least. The issue will be dealing with the ‘unexpected’ tasks that formation and relationships will throw at me. The ability to ever vigilantly say ‘NO’ to those things which sound so good will be tough. Today it is imperative that I get in my planning for school to the head of studies, or she may just eat my head which will hinder my attempts to improve my quality of life.
Tomorrow I will look at my finances, oh joy. I so look forward to examining my finances I suspect in much the same way that a horse looks forward to seeing the doctor after breaking its leg. Never mind, it must be done and I will throw myself with full gusto into the headlights of my destiny.

StockTake

It was advantageous for me t say that I will simply state what will make things better; my mistake. However, I will state what I will work at to make things better for me. By saying ‘better’ I am referring to living in a way that will meet my needs as a person operating in the world and allow for a rich spiritual life. Like most people I begin with suppositions, these will be worth noting.
1) Nothing will come to me easily; if I want to change and grow I have to work at it.
2) If I want to make significant achievements I must leave my comfort zone.
3) I will never have more time in my life than I do right now.
4) To have a fulfilled life I must learn to steward my time and the facets of my world within my control.
5) Not everything is within my control.
6) Failure is not a bad thing but simply a chance to grow further.
7) I have values that govern my life and living from those better will help make me feel more fulfilled.
8) I am not owed anything, if I want something I must earn it.

These are not my governing values, only what I start as the explicit suppositions of this blog. Further analysis over time will reveal these to be accurate or incomplete.
To assist with this I have chosen to take account of these areas of my life and write a brief a statement on each; these are managing my time, resources (health, finances and possessions), and relationships. With that I will seek to learn how I can manage these areas better and seek to improve them. In addition I will list my values as they stand and spend a month working on doing the same. Over time I intend that these reflections will reveal something of the values themselves or more about me. I think that my inability to predict how this task will end is because I begin not with a clear example of what will work, only a hypothesis. Tonight I will add my list of personal values.
For the moment I will write a section on each area and where I am at:

Managing my Time:
I have spent a great deal of time learning how I can manage my time better, but seem to constantly fall into a slump. I begin the term by diligently working out my time but by second semester I am living off of quickly written up to do lists. It seems hard at times to look ahead and keep focus on what is important and filter out the urgent stuff that swallows my days activity. I struggle to manage the tide of information that comes my way and I am swamped under conflicting dates and demands. It is around this time I fail to look after myself and often end up physically exhausted. This further diminishes my resolve to work hard at the tasks at hand.
To begin this week I will look at the different areas of my life and examine what are the most important and what needs to be done to make them ‘healthy’ for lack of a better word.

Managing my Resources:
Health is the easy one. I KNOW this is not where it should be and will be hard to combat. I have put on a significant amount of weight over the last year and feel very unhealthy. I have significantly reduced my sporting commitments due to lack of time and have faltered in maintaining an exercise routine. I intend to cheapskate my way through this by getting help from someone. I will keep you posted on this.
Money has always been an issue for me. I SUCK at saving. I have loans I need to pay off and tax that has not been done for three years. This will take both time and will power. I seem to always end up living week to week and I intend to turn this one around. This week i will take stock of what comes in and goes out. I will look at what I spend (big ticket items) in a year and try to develop a saving plan. None of this is rocket science, it just takes a commitment to make and follow through.
Managing my resources means looking after my environment in which I live and work. I intend to keep a clean room and clean office. I want space that is inviting to work and live this will take time and effort. (Notice how everything is sucking my time right now; even organising my time is sucking my time.)

Managing my Relationships:
It seems odd putting this third as it is one of my primary values. It seems easy to let this one slip but without healthy relationship I am a lesser man. But I don’t place this third because I value it less, I am just aware that I do try to manage this one a great deal and need to apply focus on the other two first.

back to work

I am a teacher and youth worker by employ. I love my job and yet it I still feel the dread of going to work this morning. The reason for this is simply under preparedness. I enter holiday breaks with joy as I know I will have time to get on top of things for next term, yet somehow manage to allow my valuable time get sucked away. There are several reasons for this. Firstly I allow believe i have earned a break and try to spend several days looking after ‘me’. This thought continues for most times of the holidays and eventually becomes a way of filling up my holidays with ‘me’ activities. Secondly because i am on holidays there are any number of people and events that place added demand on my time that I am either obligated or feel obligated to go to. This then makes me feel like I am not getting my holidays so I up the attempts for ‘me’ time. Finally, I am scared of doing the work. It is true, I am scarred of having to wrap my head around the coming term and thinking through, problem solving and writing work ahead of time. Yet it is when I am well organised that I feel capable of working to my best and enjoy it. Regardless my holidays are over and I am here writing this blog instead of doing any work. I now have to get busy, but will come back at the end of the day to describe what I intend to do about making things work better.