Beginning Thoughts

I am trying desperately to work through the facets of my life. I have recently hit that point of meltdown. It seems inevitable that I will meet this place again and on regular basis but this time I want to record what is happening and how I can effect appropriate change. What must I do to live the life I would be happy with? I am too old now to believe that it will come from changes to external circumstance; should I win the lotto I will be back in this place again at some point. It is an internal place I have reached as a result of my own choices, choices I have been losing confidence in of late. It is in these times I find the greater questions of life also press upon me most strongly. In part I wish to not mistake the existential questions with the corporeal ones, but at the same time I wish to indulge myself in the transcendental questioning while I am open to its calling.
Like so many people my youth was filled with a spark of hope that led me to believe that the future of this world was squarely within my grasp. That somehow I was to play a role in shaping this world for the better; that people would look to me for guidance and instruction, that I would make a difference. I have long fought against the temptation of an ordinary life. Yet despite the ravings of my heart I have often tread the safest path along the road of mediocrity and trepidation. Regrettable I have rarely made the decisions that would cost me dearly and while I lose nothing I gain nothing. I do not wish to let life swallow my years while I simply spend my time treading the waters of existence. Not to say that I have not been happy with choices I have made, only that I have not made choices of great risk. Not risk for the sake of risk, but risk that may, or may not, lead me into those areas I desire most in life. I am not advocating for a “life of power” as the TV evangelist might preach. I am seeking to live the life I want to live. But I am not always certain what that is. Part of my journey has to be understanding what and who I want to be; surely this is the great existential question I alluded to earlier. However, this is a pointless exercise if I cannot accomplish the necessary tasks of day to day living.
This is my task, to live life in a way that leaves me open to the greater values and questions of life. I do not wish to say that life is the parts that happen between the mundane tasks of day to day living, but inclusive of these tasks. If anything, I find my tendency is to avoid such tasks and then crumple in a heap when these tasks overwhelm me and leave me in a blubbering heap. During these moments I am prone to stress and anxiety. After my initial fits of worry I evaluate things and make promises to myself, set goals and begin to live the life I said I would always live. Unfortunately the moment my circumstance change, when I no longer feel this stress and the failure of my poor choices I am drawn back to feeding my selfishness. I suckle on the teat of self deceit and swallow the milk of hedonism. In short, I avoid the necessary tasks of life because they are too boring or hard. But sadly these smaller tasks are the building blocks of larger conquests and I must learn to master these also if I am to gladly face the bigger questions of life. It is often the same tasks that I fail to accomplish that lead to my downfall. These tasks are usually managing my time, managing my finances, managing my environment, managing my work life and most importantly, managing my relationships. It is clear that some of these are interrelated, but still have their own desirable achievements or outcomes. It is in managing those necessary elements of life that I wish to create the space to ask the bigger questions of life, that I might explore the questions in the midst of my success rather than my failure.
So I will consider the boundaries of this task, but tomorrow when I am more awake to do so.